My Deeply Superficial Thoughts

I am Hot Pants McGee, and I have interesting things to say.

Well, hello, Stranger… June 3, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — TeritaBonita @ 9:54 am
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I know, I know… I tripped and fell and got myself into a relationship with a dude that had a celebrity name and turned out to be the biggest sociopath I’ve dated.  And I have dated some real blue ribbon crazies.  

So, I was preoccupied and not posting, but I am back.  Like a phoenix from the ashes, I shall rise to once again, entertain my readers with the nonsense that is my life.  

I still get messages on OkCupid that are flattering and batshit insane, and this one really got me laughing: 

 

So, a buddy and I were about to go out, but we decided to goof-around online for a bit first and came across your profile. Don’t ask how the topic came up, but we got into the strangest argument as to whether or not your eyebrows were plucked or waxed (they’re nice btw). Now we have a bet going though, he thinks you only wax them, and has to shave a Tasmanian Devil if he loses, and I think though you may wax you pluck for upkeep, and I have to somehow find a way to crossbreed a panda with a koala if I lose. He’s Australian if you haven’t guessed; Oh! And he showed me this business that sells Wallaby’s as house pets. He’s trying to order one, but the problem is that it needs a real badass name and we can’t think of one! What should we call it?

 

Really, dude?  I don’t know if this is offensive or if he is just trying too damn hard to be quirky.  Points for a wallaby reference, though.  They really don’t get enough recognition.  

 

Until tomorrow, 

TB

 

Stormtrooper Assault… August 27, 2012

Filed under: Dating,Uncategorized — TeritaBonita @ 4:35 pm
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This is an ACTUAL exchange between a dude and I on the always-entertaining dating site, OKCupid:

His comments are in blue.

You were accepted as one of ferrari_owner29’s Quiver matches! OkCupid suggests matches to users through a feature called Quiver.— Staff Robot
An image of null

Aug 25, 2012 – 10:57pm
oh we gotta get that star wars knocked out soon. on the double
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:07pm
Gosh, I know, right?!? I’m the worst nerd ever.
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:13pm
yes you are.. the worst one up till now in history. you will be remembered believe me
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:18pm

There shall be books written about my failure.
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:19pm
Or epic poems.
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:23pm
yup.. unless you remedy it soon.. i dont think they’ll be books or epics.. just sidelong mentions of that goddamned bitch that never finished star wars
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:26pm
the only redemption at this point is to have a guy in a stormtrooper costume fuck you
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:27pm
helmet and all 
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:27pm
You forgot “awesome”… That goddamned AWESOME bitch that never finished Star Wars.
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:28pm
And, whoa…
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:32pm
ok.. awesome goddamned bitch that never finished starwars… ok, you get out of the stormtrooper rape for now..
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:33pm
hey i dont make the rules 😛
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:40pm
I’m not sure how I feel about the turn this conversation has taken…
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:51pm
c’mon im just joking.. my humor can be weird sometimes sorry

 
Yup, I attract the most amazing people.
Looking for a stormtrooper chastity belt,
TH
 

Lazy in Life, Love, and Blogging… August 1, 2012

Filed under: Dating,Uncategorized — TeritaBonita @ 11:02 am
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Sooo, its been a few months… I have been busy with all kinds of good stuff and therefore, lax on my blogging. (And on my working out) But I am back now to enlighten the masses on my goings on.

I had a grand 32nd birthday party, as seen below:

Good times were had by all! There was even an awesome pinata full of liquor. (Of course)
Shared-birthday dude came to the party and proceeded to get really drunk, hit on a bunch of my friends, and then tell me I was being a bitch. So there was that… I pretty much have decided that dating really isn’t my scene. That shit is way too complicated. I like my life simple. I like a dude I can have drinks with and sleep with and laugh with, but that also has his own stuff going on. Just when I think I have it in my grasp SHAZAMM! the Single Fairy drops some type of bomb on me and ruins it all.

Do independent dudes still exist? I mean, I am not looking for the fucking narwhal of guys.

Wednesday Love and Promises for More Updates,

TAH

 

PS – In case you don’t already know, don’t eat at Chic-Fil-A because they are run by asshole bigots.  Especially today.

Why can’t Arby’s be the bigots?  No one likes Arby’s.  Damn addictive Jesus chicken.

 

Kleptomania Date and Ghosts of Boyfriends Past and The Crazed April 24, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — TeritaBonita @ 11:09 am
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Image

 

Sooo, I met this adorable dude with a handlebar mustache and a penchant for tree-hugging at Church Night (note: Church Night has absolutely nothing to do with religion and everything to do with boozin’ and dancin’) a few weeks back.  We exchanged numbers and ended up going on a whiskey-filled date that involved stealing ashtrays and drinks, and was all around, pretty fantastic. So fantastic, in fact, that due to my past history with awesome guys, I will definitely screw this up, or he will figure out that I am not nearly as cool as I portray.  He is also leaving to save the earth in California for the summer, so I am not really putting too much hope in this working out long-term.  He is pretty damn awesome and can match me for drinks, and likes to steal random things, so I will admit that I am kinda sad about it.  Que Sera.  We are supposed to hang this week, but my schedule is pretty nutso.  

Next on the docket for discussion is the fact that my past is coming in to haunt me.  Everyone has those long-lost, unrequited loves, no?  Mine are Denver Hipster and A.  Those two have put me on the emotional heartbreak rollercoaster more times than I care to count.  Denver Hipster and I have a 15 year history, and can’t ever seem to quit eachother, despite relationships, engagements, and distance, we never seem to lose that lovin’ feelin’.  I haven’t seen him in a bazillion years, and of course, he is gracing me with his presence this weekend – my birthday weekend.  Our schedules are conflicting, so I am supposed to have lunch with him and his mother on Friday, which should be interesting, to say the least.  I am curious to see how that goes.   And as for A, he is like a bad penny.  He just swoops into town once or twice a year, toys with my emotions and hops back on a plane to his latest destination.  I am like some bizarre masochistic fueling station for him, it seems.  I haven’t spoken to him in over a year, and them BLAM!  He pops up on my phone and lets me know he is in town and we need to catch up.  We also share a birthday, 8 years apart mind you, so we are due obligatory birthday drinks. Wait – does this mean this year is his big 4-0?!? (I am ok with this, as he always picks fantastic wines and the conversation is generally stimulating enough so that I am not writing a grocery list in my head while he is droning on about something…)  Regardless, it seems that no matter what happens, I am looking forward to dusting off some crazy baggage this week.  

Speaking of crazy and baggage – MK decided to update his fictional autobiography, in which he refers to me as “Constance”.  Seeing as I was preoccupied and missed his phone call, he launched into his usual manic state and proceeded to hit me where is hurts – my waistline.  

Have a read: 

If you are Constance, I reccomend you don’t read this. You will be pissed. You should have answered the phone……..

 this chapter is in need of a rewrite… but later, winston is now digging up graves in lafayette…….

As Winston drove to Constance’s house he felt a tinge of regret.  He always said what was on his mind, it was an affliction of honesty that he couldn’t escape.  Telling her to loose thirty five pounds before  they could date, was the truth, however it opened a door that couldn’t be closed.  Attraction was an eight legged spider that crawled over you, spining a web that eventually transformed the victims experience of love.  I just can’t get pass the physical, if i can’t lust after your beauty, how can i love you?  How can i relish the desperate love of one engulfed?  No matter how she pushed all the buttons, pushed them so  well, he couldn’t cover the hole of physicality that was left between them.  Shepard Drive was such a bitch this time of day, and the whole no left turn thing was as confusing as the one locked door on so many convenience stores.  Why do they lock one of the doors? Do they think this will confuse the thief as he makes a speedy getaway?  Such were the mundane questions that afflicted Winston.  
With that his phone rang.

The grammatical errors alone make me want to punch a baby.  Some of the girls and I have taken to reading this trainwreck as a spoken word piece whilst having drinks on my porch in the evenings.  That seems to have taken some of the sting out of it, but the whole thing still stinks of douchey immaturity – I pissed him off and so he is going to, not so subtly, launch an attack on my weight for all of his blog readers to see. Dude really needs to get help for his issues.  At least he is out of state and soon to be out of the country. Until then, I will still check to insure all of my doors and windows are locked every night.  

 

The Gallant Knight February 1, 2012

Filed under: Dating — TeritaBonita @ 5:10 pm
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After not seeing her for a hot minute,  Caroline randomly texted me to meet her and her beau and some friends at a bar right down the street from my house.  I was super excited to see her and meet her dude, so I met up for beers and debauchery.   Caroline has always been one to want to see me have a happy love life, and didn’t hesitate to introduce me to one of her boyfriend’s friends.   I had been lured in for a set up!!!  Those rascals.

To my surprise, the dude, L, wasn’t a complete troll – he was actually a really nice guy.   So, of course, I am suspicious.  My curiosity was piqued… How does a cute, gainfully-employed, smart guy like this not have a chick?  Does he have a tail?  12 toes?  A small peen?   I later discovered that he was recently (super recently) divorced, which covered that bit, but here comes the next part – Would a guy that looks good on paper like that be interested in a gal like me?

Turns out, I didn’t completely scare him off on the first night, as we ended up meeting up for drinks the following weekend.  All is going fantastic, and we are heading up to his deck have wine outside because it was a nice night.  I am totally thinking, “Dude, this is what normal dating is all about!” as we sit and have pleasant and witty banter with wine and stars.   I go inside to use the facilities and upon returning to the deck, completely forget the one important piece of direction L had specifically told me:  “Don’t shut the door to the deck.  It will lock and we will get stuck up here”.

As the door slams behind me, I realize my mistake, as does L.   No one else is home in the quad he lives in, and its a sheer one-story drop onto concrete below.   Being such a damn great guy (and full of wine) and not wanting to allow us to die of exposure, L proceeds to climb up and over the privacy fence and drop to the ground below, slashing his hand open and breaking his wrist in the process.   He trotted back up the stairs and opened the door and let my shameful ass back into safety.

I think I ruined his opinion of me that night and only sporadically text with him now.  I am a genius.

 

Being a Dorky Damsel,
TB

 

The Secret Service Agent January 31, 2012

Filed under: Dating — TeritaBonita @ 1:10 pm
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As a rule in dating in a post-Google world, one should always namecheck the potential suitor.  You can get some effing crazies, you know?  I mean, if I have a date with Tom Smith, you can be damned sure that I am in front of my computer WAY before I am alone with Mr. Smith, using my amazingly creepy internet stalking abilities to find out exactly what homedude has been up on the interwebs.  I will know if he is a creeper or into cosplay or a Juggalo in a matter of minutes, thus saving me from a bad date or murder.

This search also serves a positive purpose, and not just a creeper one.  In googling the dude/lady, you are able to delve into their online presence and possibly discover common interests and mutual friends that you didn’t know existed.  The tricky part is introducing it into conversation without sounding like a complete fucking psycho-stalker.   Which brings me to another circus act that I recently endured…

I met this dude at a party with some girlfriends a few weeks ago, and he asked for my number.  He seemed like a cool dude, and while I wasn’t interested in him romantically,  he seemed like he might make a fun friend/drinking buddy, so I gave it to him.    He commences a text conversation with me over the next few days,  no big deal, but every time I ask his last name, he dodges the question.   This gives me a super red flag, and me and my ladies commence a serious search for this dude with no last name, to no avail.   He wanted to hang out this past weekend, and when I asked him his last name again (totally casually)  he stopped texting and calling me.  I have decided he is either on a classified mission with the CIA or is a ninja.  The world may never know.

 

Practicing my Nun-chucks,

Terita Bonita