My Deeply Superficial Thoughts

I am Hot Pants McGee, and I have interesting things to say.

Well, hello, Stranger… June 3, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — TeritaBonita @ 9:54 am
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I know, I know… I tripped and fell and got myself into a relationship with a dude that had a celebrity name and turned out to be the biggest sociopath I’ve dated.  And I have dated some real blue ribbon crazies.  

So, I was preoccupied and not posting, but I am back.  Like a phoenix from the ashes, I shall rise to once again, entertain my readers with the nonsense that is my life.  

I still get messages on OkCupid that are flattering and batshit insane, and this one really got me laughing: 

 

So, a buddy and I were about to go out, but we decided to goof-around online for a bit first and came across your profile. Don’t ask how the topic came up, but we got into the strangest argument as to whether or not your eyebrows were plucked or waxed (they’re nice btw). Now we have a bet going though, he thinks you only wax them, and has to shave a Tasmanian Devil if he loses, and I think though you may wax you pluck for upkeep, and I have to somehow find a way to crossbreed a panda with a koala if I lose. He’s Australian if you haven’t guessed; Oh! And he showed me this business that sells Wallaby’s as house pets. He’s trying to order one, but the problem is that it needs a real badass name and we can’t think of one! What should we call it?

 

Really, dude?  I don’t know if this is offensive or if he is just trying too damn hard to be quirky.  Points for a wallaby reference, though.  They really don’t get enough recognition.  

 

Until tomorrow, 

TB

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Stormtrooper Assault… August 27, 2012

Filed under: Dating,Uncategorized — TeritaBonita @ 4:35 pm
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This is an ACTUAL exchange between a dude and I on the always-entertaining dating site, OKCupid:

His comments are in blue.

You were accepted as one of ferrari_owner29’s Quiver matches! OkCupid suggests matches to users through a feature called Quiver.— Staff Robot
An image of null

Aug 25, 2012 – 10:57pm
oh we gotta get that star wars knocked out soon. on the double
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:07pm
Gosh, I know, right?!? I’m the worst nerd ever.
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:13pm
yes you are.. the worst one up till now in history. you will be remembered believe me
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:18pm

There shall be books written about my failure.
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:19pm
Or epic poems.
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:23pm
yup.. unless you remedy it soon.. i dont think they’ll be books or epics.. just sidelong mentions of that goddamned bitch that never finished star wars
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:26pm
the only redemption at this point is to have a guy in a stormtrooper costume fuck you
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:27pm
helmet and all 
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:27pm
You forgot “awesome”… That goddamned AWESOME bitch that never finished Star Wars.
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:28pm
And, whoa…
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:32pm
ok.. awesome goddamned bitch that never finished starwars… ok, you get out of the stormtrooper rape for now..
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:33pm
hey i dont make the rules 😛
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:40pm
I’m not sure how I feel about the turn this conversation has taken…
An image of null
Aug 25, 2012 – 11:51pm
c’mon im just joking.. my humor can be weird sometimes sorry

 
Yup, I attract the most amazing people.
Looking for a stormtrooper chastity belt,
TH
 

Lazy in Life, Love, and Blogging… August 1, 2012

Filed under: Dating,Uncategorized — TeritaBonita @ 11:02 am
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Sooo, its been a few months… I have been busy with all kinds of good stuff and therefore, lax on my blogging. (And on my working out) But I am back now to enlighten the masses on my goings on.

I had a grand 32nd birthday party, as seen below:

Good times were had by all! There was even an awesome pinata full of liquor. (Of course)
Shared-birthday dude came to the party and proceeded to get really drunk, hit on a bunch of my friends, and then tell me I was being a bitch. So there was that… I pretty much have decided that dating really isn’t my scene. That shit is way too complicated. I like my life simple. I like a dude I can have drinks with and sleep with and laugh with, but that also has his own stuff going on. Just when I think I have it in my grasp SHAZAMM! the Single Fairy drops some type of bomb on me and ruins it all.

Do independent dudes still exist? I mean, I am not looking for the fucking narwhal of guys.

Wednesday Love and Promises for More Updates,

TAH

 

PS – In case you don’t already know, don’t eat at Chic-Fil-A because they are run by asshole bigots.  Especially today.

Why can’t Arby’s be the bigots?  No one likes Arby’s.  Damn addictive Jesus chicken.

 

Kleptomania Date and Ghosts of Boyfriends Past and The Crazed April 24, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — TeritaBonita @ 11:09 am
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Image

 

Sooo, I met this adorable dude with a handlebar mustache and a penchant for tree-hugging at Church Night (note: Church Night has absolutely nothing to do with religion and everything to do with boozin’ and dancin’) a few weeks back.  We exchanged numbers and ended up going on a whiskey-filled date that involved stealing ashtrays and drinks, and was all around, pretty fantastic. So fantastic, in fact, that due to my past history with awesome guys, I will definitely screw this up, or he will figure out that I am not nearly as cool as I portray.  He is also leaving to save the earth in California for the summer, so I am not really putting too much hope in this working out long-term.  He is pretty damn awesome and can match me for drinks, and likes to steal random things, so I will admit that I am kinda sad about it.  Que Sera.  We are supposed to hang this week, but my schedule is pretty nutso.  

Next on the docket for discussion is the fact that my past is coming in to haunt me.  Everyone has those long-lost, unrequited loves, no?  Mine are Denver Hipster and A.  Those two have put me on the emotional heartbreak rollercoaster more times than I care to count.  Denver Hipster and I have a 15 year history, and can’t ever seem to quit eachother, despite relationships, engagements, and distance, we never seem to lose that lovin’ feelin’.  I haven’t seen him in a bazillion years, and of course, he is gracing me with his presence this weekend – my birthday weekend.  Our schedules are conflicting, so I am supposed to have lunch with him and his mother on Friday, which should be interesting, to say the least.  I am curious to see how that goes.   And as for A, he is like a bad penny.  He just swoops into town once or twice a year, toys with my emotions and hops back on a plane to his latest destination.  I am like some bizarre masochistic fueling station for him, it seems.  I haven’t spoken to him in over a year, and them BLAM!  He pops up on my phone and lets me know he is in town and we need to catch up.  We also share a birthday, 8 years apart mind you, so we are due obligatory birthday drinks. Wait – does this mean this year is his big 4-0?!? (I am ok with this, as he always picks fantastic wines and the conversation is generally stimulating enough so that I am not writing a grocery list in my head while he is droning on about something…)  Regardless, it seems that no matter what happens, I am looking forward to dusting off some crazy baggage this week.  

Speaking of crazy and baggage – MK decided to update his fictional autobiography, in which he refers to me as “Constance”.  Seeing as I was preoccupied and missed his phone call, he launched into his usual manic state and proceeded to hit me where is hurts – my waistline.  

Have a read: 

If you are Constance, I reccomend you don’t read this. You will be pissed. You should have answered the phone……..

 this chapter is in need of a rewrite… but later, winston is now digging up graves in lafayette…….

As Winston drove to Constance’s house he felt a tinge of regret.  He always said what was on his mind, it was an affliction of honesty that he couldn’t escape.  Telling her to loose thirty five pounds before  they could date, was the truth, however it opened a door that couldn’t be closed.  Attraction was an eight legged spider that crawled over you, spining a web that eventually transformed the victims experience of love.  I just can’t get pass the physical, if i can’t lust after your beauty, how can i love you?  How can i relish the desperate love of one engulfed?  No matter how she pushed all the buttons, pushed them so  well, he couldn’t cover the hole of physicality that was left between them.  Shepard Drive was such a bitch this time of day, and the whole no left turn thing was as confusing as the one locked door on so many convenience stores.  Why do they lock one of the doors? Do they think this will confuse the thief as he makes a speedy getaway?  Such were the mundane questions that afflicted Winston.  
With that his phone rang.

The grammatical errors alone make me want to punch a baby.  Some of the girls and I have taken to reading this trainwreck as a spoken word piece whilst having drinks on my porch in the evenings.  That seems to have taken some of the sting out of it, but the whole thing still stinks of douchey immaturity – I pissed him off and so he is going to, not so subtly, launch an attack on my weight for all of his blog readers to see. Dude really needs to get help for his issues.  At least he is out of state and soon to be out of the country. Until then, I will still check to insure all of my doors and windows are locked every night.  

 

Valentine’s Day & The Great Jesus Flowers Mystery February 16, 2012

Filed under: Dating,Uncategorized — TeritaBonita @ 10:34 am
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Behold!  The glorious day of single awareness has passed us yet again.  This year, I had a strange happening…

I am sitting at the front desk, as Barb is out on vacation, having an awesome Valentine’s Day bitchfest with Bearded Drew over Gchat, specifically regarding the annoying chick at his office that WOULD NOT SHUT UP about her dumb balloons and flowers and teddy bear fan.  (PS – Who the fuck does that?  A teddy bear fan?  Where does one even discover such an item???)  I was being extra pumped because there was only one other female in my office that day, and she and her bf don’t do flower nonsense, so I figured I would skate through this Valentine’s Day without the usual delivery giddiness and hours of sneezing from overpriced floral arrangements…. but then… Flower Dude walks in with some roses.

Of course, I assume they are for someone else, then he says my name.  While pleasantly surprised, I sign for the mystery flowers, thinking they are from my mom or a girlfriend.

 

I open the card to see who sent them and get bitchslapped by crazy.   Check out this gem of a valentine greeting:

 

So.  Basically, someone says that I am a sinning harlot, but Jesus died for my ways, so its cool.

I blame the usual suspects, my witty friends who are well aware of my Agnosticism and who would find this to be an awesome prank… No one fesses up and takes credit.

Now shit be creepy.  As of today, I am still clueless as to who sent the Jesusflowers.  I am thankful that they think I am gonna be ok.

 

Happy belated Valentine’s Day to all,

Terita Bonita

 

Just an FYI… February 2, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — TeritaBonita @ 11:57 am

If I had a Death Metal band, we would be called “Satan’s Lipgloss”.

 

That is all.

 

TH

 

Weekend Jam 1.27.12 January 27, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — TeritaBonita @ 4:32 pm

 

I can see what’s coming, but I’m not saying it…

Terita